Monday, April 24, 2017

A Lost Love Letter

Hi Rozana, as I write you this letter I am in tears. because you deserved more than a lie I told you. I never wanted something like this to happen between us but to break your heart would mean to also break mine. It was something I had to do not just for myself, but for you also.

You were right. I want you to give me a chance to learn to trust you because . . . . my devotion was shallow. I loved you the way I wanted you to love me, not the way you wanted to be loved...

Know that I have NEVER cheated on you and I promise you I will never cheat on you. I was pushed again to do things I didn't want and say things I didn't mean. And only to realize that when it was too late... I didn't know what I want and I took out everything on you like I always did. I missed you every second, every minute that went by since I lost you. From the bottom of my heartless soul, I want you to forgive me. All I'm here for is forgiveness. I don't deserve your love anymore. I'm sorry my little angel.

I can’t text you roses, or fax you my heart. I’d email you kisses, but we’d still be apart. I love you to pieces, and just wish you’d see that I care for you so much because you mean the world to me.

I'm sorry for what happened but know that I've always been true to you since the start. I won't lie since the first time I told you I loved you, I meant it. It was painful when you turned me down but when you came back for me, I knew in my heart you felt something too. I've loved you with all my heart and meant every single word I told you. You were the flower in my life and you always will be. Know that I have never cheated on you and I promise you I will never cheat on you. And for a long time I thought it would be always be us together. But as time went by, and the more I got to know you, the more attached I got, I realized maybe we were just different. More different than we could over look. You wanted a relationship in a certain way and I wanted in another.

When I came back to runescape I came back to fix things with you and leave, knowing I could never be just friends with you because I loved you too much would lead to depression. I wanted you but the same time I didn't. I've hurt you a lot, way too much. When I asked you if you wanted to meet, I felt we could grow into something more than just an online thing. I really wanted that but keeping up with you & you keep up with me was harder than I thought. I don't know if I wanted you more than you wanted me or maybe that was just the way you are.

Trust has always been something that was hard to avoid. You've always told me you were innocent and I always believed you. I know you have your life and I understand how busy it can be. Yet again, I felt insecure being around you because I could never know what was happening. I always compared you to me, and it's my fault. I always wanted you to be like me. I know I have to accept you for who you are and I know...

I'm not going to hide how talking and spending time with you made me feel like I was the luckiest man in the world. You were so special you wouldn't even notice. When I fell inlove with you, I fell inlove with my life. You were on my mind every single moment in my day and I always hoped I brought you similar joy. Even though I create a lot of problems between, I swear when just talk for a couple of minutes, it all goes away. There's just me & you.

We had our problems just like we had our perfect moments. But the problems were harder. I always thought that when you really love someone you will fight for them, you will forgive them and you will sacrafice yourself for them. No matter how bad the things they did and said, you would listen and try to tell them the wrong. I was never the type of guy that was hard headed and didn't listen to when you talked to me but I don't expect you to talk to me after this...

Talking on skype made me feel closer to you, to love you. Not because you had a beautiful voice but because the sense of you being there next to me, talking to me. The thought that you were there, next to me. The last person I heard before I went to sleep. I don't deserve anyone else and I don't know if I deserve you but when I am not with you,

 I die a little inside every moment I remember you. Not because we're not together but because it my fault. Everything is my fault. Losing you will be my biggest regret Rozana :'(

*.*I've always wanted you that's it. All your flaws, mistakes, smiles, giggles, jokes, sarcasm. Everything. I just want you. Sometimes you say something so small and it just fits right into this empty place in my heart. You're the one I'll never forget. Not today, not tomorrow and not even in a thousand years. You are the flower of my life. The one I never get tired of looking at, being with and loving. I loved her once, I love her still and I always will. She may have pushed me away but in her heart I'll stay.

In a way, the way I felt with you is like a dream, something so amazing, magical, something so beautiful. Makes me feel as if the world is perfect, like it's never going to end. I knew every day with you was another perfect day. Another day where I could wake up happy and smiling because there was someone as special as you in my life. I didn't want it to end, honestly I never wanted it to end.

I'm going to take this part to admit how much of a ret, asshole, dick, retard, faggot, cocky, noob, ass, troll, nerd, (you know what I mean) to you. I was selfish and always wanted your attention. I wanted to talk to you a lot, every single moment and take you all to myself. I wanted you to spend time with only me. I was what you could say, a jealous boyfriend. I always created problems and overreact at the simple things and basically almost 99% the reason why we argue. I always try to be the one that's right and blame stuff on you because I'm insecure and can't trust you like you trust me. I was just a big messy problem and I'm just sorry. I admit it, I'm not the best lover out there...

I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me.

Memories and moments... Oh so we have had so many of those but I still wished we had more. Those times you would come to clan wars with your crappy rune and scimitar OMG you just killed it. I couldn't stop smiling and laughing. There were many times you took my breath away, literally. Talking about all those soccer matches with you made me look forward every night. And during those german matches, oh my how I've wished for you to lose! Remember that time we said we'd talk for just 5 minutes if you let me and I'll leave your life forever. Damn I was crying but had to hide the tears because I didn't want you to know. Remember that time you came to red portal corner and chilled the whole day with me? Not to mention all those times you trolled me so hard! Heals4You LOL >.<' Damn we've know each other for so long now... just remembering those moments now makes me cry and wish we could go back to the start, just me and you.

I'm not asking for you to take me back Rozana, I wouldn't even take myself back anymore...
You don't deserve the things I put you through, the things I do to you...
I don't want to hurt you anymore. But I don't want you to be the one I lost.
I won't be happier without you, but you will be without me.
I'm sorry again to put you through everything, if you don't want to forgive me, it's okay. I deserve it.
You don't have to put up with me anymore.You're better off without me Rozana.
I will leave you alone if you want. I will go and never bother you again. (except that marriage thing, I promised I will when the time comes.)

I've played with your heart so many times that now I'm afraid that this was the last blow...
The blow that will make you move on with your life. And I'm sorry I can't do anything to stop you
if you won't let me.. I don't expect you to forgive me and take me back. Do what you have to do and this time, do it for you Rozana.

I don't want to say goodbye princess because I'm afraid it might be our last. I love you with every bit of my heart and I always will. Know that there will NEVER be a day that you won't cross my mind. I love you to bits and I wish you could give me my last chance. You are everything to me. I will forever remember you. Kiss your little brother for me on the head. God Bless you.

P.S Love you always and forever Rozana. Don't forget me.

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